Lucien Lachance goes on a Diet
by axmly
Summary: Lucien Lachance has an eating problem, which let to him getting fat. So the rest of the sanctuary helps him get on a diet!


Lucien Lachance goes on a diet!

Ocheeva walked through the dark corridors of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary, turning, and eventually ending up at Lucien Lachance's office.

"Lucien!" Ocheeva called out. Lucien was spread out all over his bed, about two hundred pounds more then he was last week. And he was stuffing powdered donuts in his mouth.

"Lucien!" She called again.

"What?" Lucien said, with half a chewed up donut falling out of his mouth. "Damn it, Ocheeva, can't you see I'm eating?"

"Yes, I see you are eating. Everyone sees you eating obsessively, every minute of the day."

"What?" asked Lucien as he struggled to get out of bed. "I just eat I bit more. Nothing to bad. With all the contracts needed to get done…DAMN IT!" He yelled as he finally gave up, and fell back into the bed.

"See what I mean?" Ocheeva asked. "You can hardly get out of bed. How are you going to fulfill your duties, if you can't even get out of the bed?"

"Ocheeva, what I do, is my business. If I want to gain a few pounds, I'll do it, and I won't have an Executioner tell me other wise."

"Fine, but just think what Irene Metrick would say…"

"What?" Lucien asked with a worried look.

"Don't give me that!" Ocheeva spat. "Everyone knows about your little crush..."

Lucien's face turned dark red. Then he said,

"Ok then. What do you have in mind?" Ocheeva smiled with a murderous gleam in her eye, and then motioned for him to follow her. He struggled for a moment, and got up to follow Ocheeva. They went to the Training room, where, in a corner, stood a stone Treadmill.

"There! Ordered just for you! Everyone has seen your problem, and everyone pitched in their Septims for this!" Ocheeva exclaimed. She still had the murderous gleam.

"Ok, Ocheeva, this is real shitty of you. By Sithis, you know how I feel about running!"

"I know. That's why I picked it out. Now give it a go."

"No, no Ocheeva. I'd rather watch Cooking with Orcs, then have to use this thing!"

"Use what thing?" Said someone. Ocheeva and Lucien looked behind them. Vicente Valtieri stood there near the entrance of the room, smiling. He walked over to where Lucien and Ocheeva were standing, and then his smile faded.

"Oh."

"You and her planned this!" Lucien cried hysterically. "Only you and her can access the Sanctuary's vault! You all are trying to kill me!" And with one last scream of fright, he ran out of the room.

****

"Hello, Ocheeva. How'd the contract go last night?" Asked Vicente.

"Oh, just excellent. That dark elf bled wonderfully." Ocheeva giggled with delight.

Vicente smiled.

"That's excellent. I never get a good bleeder anymore…"

"And I found Lucien."

Vicente's red eyes glowered with surprise.

"Really? Wow… how?"

Ocheeva smiled, and her murderous glare returned.

"I sent that annoying little Wood Elf boy after him."

"Ahh. Quite wonderful. That boy might be deathly annoying, but he has some special power or something… he's like a dog, tell him what or who he's looking for, and he'll find him." Vicente looked around. "But where are Lucien and the wood elf?"

Ocheeva smiled.

"I locked them up in the storage chamber."

"Ahh. Quite wonderful… perhaps next time you could lock Lucien up with the wood elf AND Antoinetta…" Vicente said with a grin, and a glare worthy of Ocheeva.

Ocheeva smiled, but it quickly faded.

"Shall we go and take care of our business?" She asked. Vicente nodded, and turned around to follow her.

They reached the door, and opened it.

"Ocheeva! Vicente! Please...HELP! I can't take it… I'll use the treadmill! Please!" Lucien moaned, over the droning chattering of the annoying wood elf. Ocheeva and Vicente looked at each other, smiled, and Ocheeva nodded.

"Stop." Vicente said, putting his hand up. The wood elf's chattering stopped, and he walked over to Vicente. Vicente put his arm around the elf's shoulder, and walked him out of the room.

"Say, Wood elf, do you like apples? Lucien has many in his private quarters…" And Lucien and Ocheeva watched, as Vicente led the elf to Lucien's quarters. Then Ocheeva's attention turned to Lucien.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"What do you mean? I, Lucien Mason Lachance, the Speaker of the Dark Brotherhood, has full right to take a bit of a vacation for himself!"

Ocheeva glared at Lucien, foot tapping.

"Fine! I'm sorry… but of everything you could get you get a treadmill? Where the entire workout is based on running?"

Ocheeva's position didn't change.

"Fine! Let's go..." He said reluctantly, getting up from his chair.

Slowly, They got to the Training room, where, when Lucien walked in, something even more surprising then seeing the Treadmill for the first time hit his eyes.

"Hello, Lucien! Are you ready to work out?" Said the gruff voice ofGogrongro- Bolmog, an Orc assassin for the brotherhood.

Lucien hated NOTHING more then he hated Orcs. He hated seeing pictures of them, hearing the word, "Orc", and he absolutely, hated working with them.

"This is what we have to do when you don't cooperate the first time." Ocheeva said, walking over to the treadmill. "So come on, and let's get started."

Lucien snapped out of his look of surprise, but still looked horrified. Reluctantly, slowly, and with his eyes closed, he walked over to the treadmill.

"Ready?" Asked Gorgron.

"As ready as I'll ever be." Replied Lucien dryly.

He got up onto the treadmill, and Gorgron set the treadmill to jog.

The treadmill floor started to move.

"What?! The floor of this thing moves?" Lucien cried, as he struggled to keep up with it.

"That's the whole point, dear Lucien." Ocheeva told him with a small grin. "Excellent job!" Shouted Gorgron, patting Lucien's back.

"Stop touching me, you Orc!" Lucien cried.

Lucien kept on jogging for 2 hours, and then it was lunch.

"Diet mead? I have to drink DIET MEAD?!" Lucien shouted as Ocheeva passed him the bottle.

"Yes. It has no sugar at all. And I heard it was supposed to be unbelievably satisfying. Twenty one flavors and all…"

"I don't care if it has two hundred flavors... I want normal mead!"

Ocheeva glared at him.

"Fine… but why does Gorgron get normal mead?" Lucien asked as Gorgron belched.

"Sorry, Lucien. Its part of MY diet. Drink all the mead I can…" Gorgron belched again.

Lucien rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the sandwiches Ocheeva made. He picked his up and looked inside and examined it. Everything was ok… until Lucien noticed…

"No meat whatsoever? No chicken, or beef, or pork… not even human.." He said inside his head. It was useless to scream and argue with Ocheeva. She was certainly sticking with this… and with that, he collapsed on his plate, tossing pieces of carrots, tomatoes, and a large wave of Diet Mead all over the table.

****

Over a time period of four months, Lucien got thinner, and thinner, and thinner. Much to the liking of Antoinetta, who Ocheeva replaced Gorgron with, and who was seemed to developed a crush upon Lucien. This received much laughter from the rest of the Sanctuary, to which Antoinetta replied everytime,

"Don't deny our love!"

And with Lucien back to his original weight, and with his sweet tooth faded, everything turned back to normal.

"You know what, Ocheeva?" Asked Lucien as he and Ocheeva walked of a cave where they killed 35 Orc skooma dealers.

"What?"

"I must say thank you for introducing me to this stuff," Lucien said, pulling out a can of Diet Mead and pointing to it.

"Welcome. I personally can't stand to drink it." Said Ocheeva. "Tried a bit at lunch one day, and I don't think that damn mead has even one flavor. Let alone twenty one. Lucien shrugged and took a drink out of the can.

"Those were some real son of a bitches over there, weren't they?" asked Lucien.

"Yeah, but I think you got them with all your new muscles." Ocheeva replied, rolling her eye.

"Yep, and these muscles is what's going to get me a date with Irene Metrick this Valentines Day."

Ocheeva laughed. "Well, good luck on that!" It was then they reached the entrance to the cave. Lucien pushed open the wooden door, and they both walked out.


End file.
